2006-03-03
Practice FSWE Essay 3
Please evaluate my practice FSWE essay.
Testing Rubric:
4
A paper at this level is adequately developed. The writer’s purpose is clear and
the analysis is generally supported by relevant examples. The writer’s rationale
may not always be fully developed. The paper has a clear structure with an
introduction, body, and conclusion, but the structure may be too obvious and
ideas may be subordinated to structure. Alternatively, the paper may exhibit
lapses in organization. Transitions are usually used effectively. Sentences clearly
express meaning and exhibit some variety, but there may be some repetition.
Word choice is appropriate to the audience and is usually precise. While there
may be some errors in grammar, usage, or mechanics, a competency with
language is apparent. The errors may be distracting, but they only occasionally
impede understanding.
5
A paper at this level is well developed. The writer’s purpose is well defined and,
for the most part, the analysis is supported by sound reasoning and relevant,
effective examples. Analysis and judgment may show thought and insight. The
writer’s rationale is well developed and integrated into the text of the paper. The
structure is logical and coherent, with clear organization, an effective opening and
closing, and effective transitions. Sentences are usually concise and varied in
structure. Word choice is usually precise, varied, and is appropriate to the
audience. The writing shows good command of the language. There may be
occasional errors in grammar, usage, or mechanics, but the errors pose minor
distraction and they do not impede understanding.
6
A paper at this level is substantially developed. The writer’s purpose is very well
defined and the analysis is supported by sound reasoning and relevant, effective
examples. Analysis and judgment show thought and insight. The writer’s
rationale is very well developed and very well integrated into the text of the
paper. The structure is unified and coherent, with clear organization, an effective
opening and closing, and effective transitions. Sentences are concise, interesting,
and varied in structure. Word choice is precise, varied, and appropriate to the
audience. The writing is fluent and shows superior command of the language.
There may be occasional errors in grammar, usage, or mechanics, but the errors
pose minor distraction and they do not impede understanding.
I handwrote this essay in 50 minutes in accordance with the rules of the FSWE. I will present it without spellchecking or editing so to represent the actual essay as it was written.
When evaluating please be aware of the following:
The topic:
My essay:The Benefits of Outsourcing
The world is a big place, and there is much reason that business should be done on a global, not nationalistic scale. Outsourcing Provides us with a way to not only reduce expenses at home, but help bolster an entire world view of business and commerce. It not only increases buying power at home, the effects of outsourcing in other countries helps their local economies as well. In the world today it is increasingly important to think outside our borders as well as our own.
Within the national borders, when outsourcing is used responsibly it can help the economy as a whole. When a company chooses to outsource to another country, the result is less operating costs. That reduction can be given back to the consumer by reducing prices in turn. When businesses reduce prices others soon follow suit making goods and services less expensive over time. This in turn makes money go farther. When money can go farther more can be bought and standard of living is allowed to rise.
The great thing about outsourcing is that it doesn't just benefit one nation. Outsourcing is giving work to people all over the world, this helps improve the standard of living in other countries as well. When businesses globalize they are helping the world increase their standard of living, instead of hording wealth into a handful of rich countries. Rich countries also benefit. With the money supply going farther, more and more people will be able to afford to take risks with their money. New businesses can be formed, the amount of start-ups increase, and entrepanuership grows. All this helps create jobs and opertunities that would otherwise be repressed in lower-level jobs. When those jobs are moved, the rich country workforces will evolve themselves when their easy options are gone. People who wouldn't stay in school, instead see the advantage of higher-level work and the nation as a whole has the chance to rise up.
As the nation rises, for example there are less farmers and factory workers in America today than there were even a short fifty years ago thanks to an ever increasing global workforce, so does the skill levels of the nations citizens. More specialization occurs, national education averages go up, and the amount of low-level workers drops. This is all good news for national business and workers alike. Businesses have a better pool of high-educated workers to employ, and workers get into higher paying jobs as a result of increased education standards.
Let us nit forget that America at one time was a poorer country like those we outsource to today. In those times, we relied on other countries to trade goods and services with us. That was, and still is, the American livelihood. Outsourcing is trade on a business, not national, level and should be treated the same as the trading of commodies. The members of the European Union that have embraced foreign workforces and outsourcing idealogies have seen a marked increase in company effeciency and standard of living compared to those opposed to such efforts over the past several years. This example shows that oursourcing works and can continue to work if rich countries and growing countries alike can work together to bolster a truely global world view. After all, this world is ours to share, to split it up so artifically seems like a great waste of resources.
Please be critical. I want to improve my essay writing skills as much as I can for the test and beyond.
Thank you for your help.
Yours,
trv
Posted by jumex at 13:07
2 Comments:
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11:01 PMã
Jason H. said...
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Hey Trev,
OK - here goes - I'll weigh in with some thoughts.
Your essay was good overall, but you mentioned many different ideas without much in the way of support for most of them. What I would want to see is a stronger thesis statement as the anchor in your opening paragraph and then three GOOD body paragraphs that support that opening thesis with concrete and detailed examples.
ok - first paragraph:
"much reason" - did you mean "many reasons"?
don't overuse colloquialisms like "not only" - especially ones that give rise to the possibilities of double negatives. Remember when writing a formal essay that written English differs in tone from spoken English and you need to adjust your word-choice and syntax accordingly.
The last sentence contains this phrase:
outside our borders as well as our own - what does this mean?
And the last sentence indicates that the thrust of the essay will be about the importance of thinking outside our borders - is that what you want the essay's focus to be?
2nd P -
I like this paragraph - good opening statement followed by good support.
this phrase tho:
When money can go farther more can be bought - I thought you meant "more money" can be bought - i had to reread it to be clear what you meant.
3rd P -
"The great thing..." This type of language is again something fine in spoken English but superfluous in written English. Drop it and just start the sentence with "Outsourcing is (adjective) because it benefits..."
more active verbs as well - "is giving" should be "gives", etc
2nd sentence you need a conjunction or a semicolon or a rewrite:
By giving work to people all over the world, outsourcing helps improve...
"the world increase their standard" - the world is a singular noun so it should be "its standard of living" - you could say "the nations of the world" and then "their" would work
I don't understand this sentence:
All this helps create jobs and opertunities that would otherwise be repressed in lower-level jobs.
4th P -
this sentence is way too long and needs to be broken down into two or three sentences instead:
As the nation rises, for example there are less farmers and factory workers in America today than there were even a short fifty years ago thanks to an ever increasing global workforce, so does the skill levels of the nations citizens.
I like the ideas here, but I'm wondering -is this just hypothetical specualtion on your part? If not, do you have real-world examples where this took place? Either is fine, but needs to be clearly stated.
5th P -
"Let us not forget" - again, you can lose this and start the sentence stronger. if you like it, you can restate it - "It's important not to forget that America..."
The "we" and "us" here might be a bit too informal - like saying "I am America." Maybe just use "America" for "we", etc.
I like the EU example here, but the final paragraph of your essay should be about summation and restating your thesis - not introducing new examples.
The final sentence is weak - "After all, this world is ours to share, to split it up so artifically seems like a great waste of resources." And it should be two sentences: "...to share. Splitting it up so..."
It's a fine sentiment, but you need to leave the reader with something memorable and more keenly focused on your topic - your sentence is a little too broad.
Again, a good effort. Keep at it and it will get easier and your writing will improve. Sorry if I came across a bit harsh - i used to read essays for a living, so my "red pen" comes out when presented with a situation like this.
Ganbatte!
-JCH -
11:08 AMã
jumex said...
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Thanks for the comments Jason. I am glad that you turned a critical eye on my work. That is exactly what I need right now to help improve my writing skills, not some mindless praise. Your help is wonderful.